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  • followthecrumbsandpebbles 12:29 am on November 19, 2014 Permalink | Reply  

    Brain MRIs and About (Not) Dying 

    Background

    So I have been having these horrible headaches for weeks and weeks, like I’ve never had headaches before.  Just imagine your worst hangover, searing through one eye at a time, the pain ebbing and flowing but never disappearing.  I’m not a “run to the doctor” type for normal aches and pains, which is what I consider a headache to be.  But after a month or so I decided to look into it.  Psych said it wasn’t a med side effect, noting that if anything, my cocktail would prevent or stop headaches.  She said it was physical.  MD said it was likely stress but suggested I see my eye doctor (yeah, I wear glasses).  I asked him if it was ok that my eye guy was an optometrist as opposed to an opthamologist, and he said that it would be fine.  Optometrist says I’ve got something called optic nerve disc edema, and it was comforting to know that it was not all in my head.  (Pun intended.)  Passed this on to the MD, who is about as conservative as they come, and he basically says “you are getting a brain MRI no later than tomorrow morning.”  My guy has a good rep (discussed here) and got me in before the first scheduled appointment the next morning (which was today, this morning).  I’ll get to the appointment and the results in a moment.  But right now I am going to focus on what happens between the time your MD freaks out, and the time you get your test results back.

    Discussion

    1.  The first thing you are going to do is access the internet and look up the possibilities.  There really should be something that doctors can access, which disables medical websites in these circumstances.  They do nobody any good.  Quickly I determine that this is not a “stuff like this happens frequently and just goes away.”  Worst case scenario is brain tumor, best case scenario is extra fluid on the brain, which gets drained by a lumbar puncture, which is what used to be called a spinal tap.  Just no comfort whatsoever, except for the possibility that the optometrist was wrong, which puts me back to, why the fluck does my head keep hurting.

    2.  What do you tell the kids.  Decide to put off until after test results come in.

    3.  What do you tell the parents.  Same.

    4.  Consider the following question asked by the Brain MRI people:  “have you had any personality changes.”  I looked for the “continue answer on these pages” section, but couldn’t find it.

    5.  Ponder this question:  let’s say they diagnose one of the things that could kill you (near as I could tell, there were about 4 of these)….is it suicidal to tell everyone the doctor said everything was fine, and then just let it kill you?  I considered that philosophically more than anything.  (I’m still riding the up.)

    6. Then get hopeful … what if all the “fun” in my brain was caused by, well, something in my head other than chemicals.  Not that I’d want a tumor and brain surgery, but if that explains everything and could fix everything, I would not be dissatisfied.   The problem with this approach is that it would have to be one slow growing tumor, given how long I have been messed up.

    7.  Try to sleep.  (By the way, if that is an issue for you, I recommend video.pbs.org.  I’ve watched the first 20 minutes of every documentary on there.

    8.  Wonder about the practical effect of “we need to operate now” would be.

    Outcome

    Got the brain MRI.  Not a bad process.  Took about half an hour.

    The waiting time called for a revisiting of “what do you tell kids/parents” and “what do you do when you’ve been told you have a brain tumor.”  I had picked the restaurant near the medical establishment for that contingency.

    They gave me a disk with pictures of my brain.  Then the waiting between “I had my MRI” and “These are the results.”   I was lucky that I received the results before I got home/office, otherwise I would have been trying to compare these pictures (which mean nothing to me) with online images of brain tumors in MRIs (also meaningless).  The good news is, no tumor.  The bad news is, I STILL DON’T KNOW WHERE THE HEADACHES COME FROM.

     
  • followthecrumbsandpebbles 7:16 pm on November 17, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , lithium   

    Let’s Hear It For The Meds 

    The meds work. Sometimes we love them, sometimes we hate them.  But, the meds work.

    I’m not sure I’ve talked about my irrational acts of temper, but I could go off sometimes.  Not violence-toward-others irrational, but doing “did I really do that” stupid things.  Like the time that I was unsatisfied with the way the gate agent was treating me at the airport, so I sat down in front of the jetway.  Or my former habit of going out of my way to lambast cyclists who believed that the concept of “share the road” meant “cyclists don’t have to observe stop signs.”   Utterly incompetent customer service was a big trigger.  (To be clear, I would never get angry at, for example, a hotel desk clerk for the room I got … it’s not the clerk’s fault). But ever since my attempt and the meds since then, the temper/stupidity impulse is totally gone.  The suicidal ideation one remains, but that tells me it is something I need to work on, as opposed to a brain chemical thing.

    So I’ve been dealing with some home mortgage stuff, seeing if there is a way to ease the burden until some things turn around financially.  There is — justifiably — a process to follow, where you’ve got to provide information to the financial information … bank statements, tax records, business records, explanatory letters, etc. And no one gets it right the first time.  So when the “your file is not yet complete” letter came the first time, no big deal.  When it came the second time, asking for the first time for something that could have been given before, it was aggravating, but, stuff like that happens.  The third time the letter came, saying X was missing, I called and said X is on page 21, and they said sorry, you are complete.  Then the 4th letter came, looking for Y.  Same deal, Y is on page 16.  The fifth letter came and said “your file is incomplete” and had the entirely document checklist checked off as “complete.”  So I called again, and they said, so sorry, you are complete.  How shocking that I got a letter today, saying that my file was complete because “Form 345D Is Illegible.”   Except the thing is, FORM 345D IS AN ONLINE FORM.  So unless I accessed the Adobe “Illegible Handwriting” font (which would require Adobe to create that font), it would be impossible for the form to be illegible.  So I call them today and say, quite calmly, um, how can this form be illegible.  Voice on the other end says “illegible is the only choice we have in that box, we use it as a catchall” and then proceeded to say we are missing Z, which of course was sent weeks ago.

    My point in telling the story is that I didn’t raise my voice, get irrational, send a lunatic fax, go down to the local branch and raise a fuss, etc.   And that’s the meds at work. Impulse control, mood stabilizer, etc.  They work.

    Now, as noted before, there are those nasty downsides……..

     
  • followthecrumbsandpebbles 8:15 pm on November 15, 2014 Permalink | Reply  

    Anonymity 

    One thing I’ve noticed about those of us writing in this space is the divide between those who cloak their identities (of who I am one) and those who are open.  I make an attempt to give only that information required for context, which is basically set out here. Dribs and drabs (i.e crumbs and pebbles) show up elsewhere as context requires, but the reader would be hard pressed to find me.  I have my reasons — anonymity allows me to be incredibly open without creating a record of “you don’t want to associate yourself with him, he’s crazy.”   You really even have trust me that what little I have revealed is true.  What, indeed, could be a better anonymizer than misdirection.  So it is with at least some amount of cynicism that I compliment the bravery of those of you who fill this space with such openness, while putting your identity out there.  (The cynicism, of course, is you can say your name is Bob, and put up a picture of Bob, but you might actually be Sue.)  Obviously I couldn’t do it.  I praise your openness.

     
  • followthecrumbsandpebbles 2:03 pm on November 14, 2014 Permalink | Reply  

    From Yesterday’s Persepective, Tomorrow Is Another Day 

    So I didn’t die yesterday, which is I guess a good thing.  It really was an odd sensation.  It was decidedly not a suicidal ideation.  I’m quite familiar with those, thank you, and this was quite different.  More, a sense of impending doom.  Strangely enough, for reasons not worth going into at this point, yesterday was a pretty good day, and, so far, today promises to be one as well.  It is, however, early yet, and I don’t want to jinx things.

     
  • followthecrumbsandpebbles 4:55 pm on November 13, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , ,   

    Sick, Self-Indulgent, And True (In Otherwords, This One Is Not Deep, Just Whiny) 

    It’s one of those days.  I’m still on the up (in terms of energy level), very productive this morning, between doing work things, selling stuff on eBay, sending in resumes — even showered and put on a suit and tie for a meeting later today.  The headache I have (have I mentioned that … I’ll have to look back) is pulsing today, consistent with the MD’s theory that it is stress (interestingly, the psych says its medical, not stress, which they NEVER say).

    Here’s the sick part.  I’m convinced that I am going to die today.  Not necessarily by my own hand …. I don’t have that feeling at all … but just a sense of car accident / heart attack / stroke … something like that … I’m going into a stressful situation (hence the suit and tie) … or a sense that although I have no intent, means or plan, I might change my mind.  Obviously my psych and I have something to talk about next week.

    No, HERE’S the sick part.  Just in case, I put a piece of paper in my wallet with “in case I die or get hurt” phone numbers.  And I wrote the same stuff on my leg.

    Soon, I’ll be better.  But I’m not there yet.

     
    • dyane 7:59 pm on November 13, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I understand where you’re coming from – you are not being “sick” – go easy on yourself; you are working tremendously hard to get through the day, be productive and deal with a whopping migraine! I admire you! 🙂 And I’ll send good thoughts your way too…hope your meeting went well.

      Like

    • awomanagainstallodds 10:45 pm on November 13, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Honey, I know your feelings, I am old and full of pain. But I am reading what you have to say.
      Would you read mine?
      https://awomanagainstallodds.wordpress.com/

      Like

  • followthecrumbsandpebbles 6:53 pm on November 11, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: god,   

    God and Suicide Prevention 

    When considering suicide, one is often if not always told to consider the impact one’s death will have on others.  How would your parents, your children, your spouse, your siblings, your friends, etc., feel, and why put them through all that.  You owe it to them to live, they love you, etc.  Consider the man who has no such people — I’ve discussed this man before, here.  I asked, and did not answer, whether this man has any reason to live.  Is there a “duty” to continue to live, and if so, where does that duty come from.

    I would suggest, though not insist, that if such a duty exists, it comes from “God.”  Let me be clear, this is not a “you should believe in God and here’s why” piece.  It’s merely a set of thoughts as to this theoretical duty to live.

    I believe in the existence of God.  I do not believe in a single definition of God.  That is, my conception of God is likely not your perception of God, and so on.  That God takes on different forms to different people does not negate the belief  of one who does not see God as I do, and so on. My conception of God is, roughly, that force or power which pre-existed this universe, and did what is necessary to bring this universe into existence, and to bring life as we know it into existence.  I believe God set in play the series of events that caused humanity to exist.  I believe God has certain hopes and expectations for any and all humans.  I don’t know whether God made us alone in the universe, but I do believe that if God put life in other places, those places are exceedingly few.

    I believe that God takes the time to communicate to humans various things.  I believe that one such communication occurred to Moses on top of a mountain and thereafter, which communication brought forth the Bible, or, more particularly, the 5 books starting with Genesis and ending with Deuteronomy.  (By the way, that sentence, in conjunction with this post, should tell you something about me.)  Though I happen to believe those books contain God’s exact words to Moses, I, in no way, believe that those exact words to be true.  The meaning of those words is to be discovered with time.  Example:  when explaining to Moses the creation of the universe, God could not explain the complex physics behind the big bang theory to Moses, because Moses did not possess the vocabulary, or even the concepts.  So God says to Moses, “on the first day   .”    Along with providing us some history in these books, God sets up some rules of conduct.  Some of those rules may or may not have had meaning at one point in time; some continue to have meaning, but only through modern interpretation; some have the identical meaning as they did when handed down.  One thing that is pretty darned consistent is that life is pretty important to God.  Indeed, the ultimate price someone can pay is, in fact, their life.

    This theological jaunt was not without purpose.  Return if you will to the man connected to no one.  The “you need to live for these other people”  line means nothing to him.  For what does he have to live?   I would suggest that all remaining answers will, in some way, point to God.  At the most simplistic level, there is every form of  “God says you are supposed to live” or “God wants you to live.”  Then there’s the “you have a purpose in life, and if you die at your own hand, you won’t achieve that purpose.”  I would suggest that the concept of a “purpose” has its roots in a deity and the deity’s reasons for creation and life.   The even more vague concept of “your death, before its time, will irretrievably alter the fabric of the cosmos in ways not intended” presupposes an intention and a relationship between all things — atain, a very “Godlike” world view.

    I think again of the man connected to no one.  Consider, that if you reject the concept of deity, the concept of purpose, or any related concept, what can you say to this man?  It is very possible that the only thing to tell the man connected to no one requires at least some definition of the divine.

    Thoughts?

     
  • followthecrumbsandpebbles 1:29 pm on November 5, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags:   

    The Gift of Bipolarity — The Seductiveness of the Up 

    I have been overwhelmed (well, maybe just whelmed) by the number of people who have read this, liked this, and followed this.  I’m still new to this space and haven’t figured out the rules of the game with respect to reading, liking, commenting, following, etc.  But I am reading.  And I am struck by the different ways many of us choose to express ourselves.

    I am not a poet, but many are.  I am not a fiction writer, but many of you are. My milieu is prose; observation; theory; and a little bit of storytelling, albeit nonfiction storytelling. (And, as demonstrated a couple of days ago, an unfortunate tendency to write equations to explain human behavior.)  I can’t create something from nothing the way other people can.

    But the common theme among all of us is quantity.  Many of us post at least daily.  And not garbage.  Really good stuff.  We, for better or worse, know where at least some of the energy comes from … some form of mania; some form of the up.  Right now, for instance, while I am writing this, I have a TV on (see this schedule, you should know what I’m watching); I have another monitor on, and on it, is the material I have for my other blog (the one relating to my professional life); I have piles of baseball cards around me, which I am selling on eBay (very little paying work = liquidation of assets); etc.  Because I am still riding an up that started last Friday.  As we all know, an up doesn’t mean we do the things we are supposed to do, rather, it just means we fool ourselves into believing we are being productive.  There are at least 3 other things I really need to be doing right now, but I’m doing everything else but those things.  I’ll get to them, I say, because I’m on a roll so I can do all this other stuff first.

    The thing is, I used to be able to channel this stuff pretty well …. back in the day that I didn’t know what it was.   Anyone who I worked for, worked with, who worked for me … they were all in awe of just how fast I did things … how fast I wrote, how fast I read, how fast I spewed (spouted?) ideas.  I was one of the first adopters of the huge post-it note. …. I’d cover my office walls with them and brainstorm and write and a million miles an hour.  This was what I was great at, this was what gave me some form of professional advantage.  Correspondingly, I was very very good on my feet, something that is quite valuable in a fluid business setting.  I lived for this; I loved it.  When I slowed down, I figured it was just because I was tired out, and that I could catch up on what i missed later, which I generally could.  Perhaps as I aged my stamina waned.

    After my crash, they put me on Depakote.  I hated Depakote.  (One thing about me, I am religiously med compliant.  No matter how much I dislike a med, I do what the Doctor says to do.  There are other traits I have that make me less than a perfect patient, but, med compliance is not an issue.)  The reason I hated Depakote, as I expressed early and often to the Dr. in the hospital, was that it made me feel so ssssssllllllllllowwwwww.  I said there was no way I could live; could function; could go forward; if this was what I needed to take to help me get better.  What she said to me sticks with me til today, and will stick with me forever:  “you’ve been moving a million miles an hour for so long, you are unaware that you are still moving at 10,000 miles an hour … when you move a million miles an hour, you crash and crash bad.”   After a few weeks, as I began to recover from the psychological damage, I realized a couple of things …. (a) she was right about still being fast, just not overly-dangerous fast; and (b) the reason they gave me Depakote related more to the treatment protocol for a post-suicidal patient than to a need to keep me on it long term (indeed, it was switched to Lamictal).

    So today I sit here, moving “fast” but not “too fast,” churning out words. And I must admit, I like this feeling.  The last time I had a long, long up, I spent my time cleaning out my backyard of overgrowth.  Oh yeah, I decided that, despite my ownership of various power tools, mowers, trimmers, etc., it would be better to do it with a saw, clippers, a machete, and an axe.  That felt good.  Really good. I’ve never taken non-prescribed drugs, but I imagine that rush is why people do such things.

    I’m rambling now, that is, I guess, one of the dangers.   I’ll wrap it up.  In my view, the ups are more dangerous than the downs.  The downs are immobilizing, but you aren’t going to do anything dumb while you are sleeping 16 hours a day, or staring into space.  It’s the ups that are the drug; it’s the ups that give us all “great ideas,” some of which only seem great at the time. We will all keep writing, because we love it.  I just wonder at what cost.

    See you tomorrow.

     
    • dyane 8:42 pm on November 5, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Not to overwhelm you, and I’m not sure if you read this post already, but my latest post “Slowing Down” is about my blogging daily at one point to 1/x week and there are a couple interesting comments by seasoned bloggers (Just a few! So it’s not too much! 😉 No pressure – it’s up there if you ever want to read it! :))) p.s. I used to feel compelled to comment as much as I could when reading other blogs but I took that pressure off – a “like” is enough a lot of the time! I don’t want to burn out on this amazing blogosphere

      http://proudlybipolar.wordpress.com/2014/11/02/slowing-down/

      Like

  • followthecrumbsandpebbles 10:36 pm on November 3, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , quant,   

    Thoughts on Brittany Maynard and Death By Choice — Equations 

    The news tell us that sometime over the weekend Brittany Maynard “died with dignity,” rather than let brain cancer take her at a time and condition not of her own choosing.  (Warning:  cynical words follow.)  It is not a stretch to think that this was a deliberately publicized act, seemingly orchestrated by a group called “Compassion & Choices.”  There were press releases, a website, a You Tube video and everything else that goes along with a well-run “raising awareness” campaign.  Is it a coincidence that the picture CNN is running is one of a cute/pretty girl (ok, I notice these things) cuddling on a chair with a puppy (or at least a small dog).  People were trying to make a point.  (End of cynicism).  The reason I am raising this here is that, in essence, Ms. Maynard was not satisfied with the way she believed things would turn out for her, so she chose to end her life.  I haven’t read much on it, but the places I look at regularly (which, admittedly, tend to lean left) seem to be on her side and applauding the act as a step forward.

    How is that different than those of us who have BPD or depression in some form or fashion, when we get suicidal.  I know when I get there, to that bad place, I would prefer to end my own life on my own terms than live it out as a miserable existence going forward.  And that’s what the celebrated Ms. Maynard did.  Granted, the probability of her dying by disease was high, and the actual physical quality of her life as she approached that death would have been low.  Society has deemed it (at least some portion of society has) ok to take your own life in those circumstances.

    Now the quant in me is coming out. Can we make a formula? Two measurable variables have been identified — (i) probability of impending death (let’s call that P(d); and (ii) the quality of remaining life (let’s call that Q).  The higher that P(d) is, and the lower that Q is, the more acceptable the suicide becomes. P(d) would be expressed as a decimal from 0 to 1.  Q would be expressed as a number from 1 to 10.  The equation is this:

              P(d) *  (1/Q)  = acceptability of suicide.

    The range of outcomes is from 0 to 1; the closer to 1, the more acceptable the suicide.  For example, someone who has a high probability of impending death (say, 0.95) and a low quality of remaining life (say, 1) would have an suicide acceptability score of:

    0.95 * (1/1) = 0.95

    But note, even a slight increase in the quality of life, from 1 to 2, brings the acceptability way down:

    0.95 * (1/2) = 0.475

    And, if you bring it up to 3, and drop the measure of impending death down to 0.8, it drops even more:

    0.8 * (1/3) = 0.2667

    Finally, if your life is coming down to a coin-flip, and you wouldn’t have it halfway bad until you died:

    0.5 * (1/5) = 0.1.

    The point of the numbers is simple:  unless it is pretty certain you are going die soon, and unless the death is likely to be pretty horrible, society is not likely to approve of a “death with dignity.”

    Now, on to the BPD / Depression question.  (Funny, a Latuda commercial just came on.  I did not like Latuda.)  At my worst, at our worst, we really and truly believe that the future quality of remaining life is at the bottom of the scale:  1.  The problem is on the other side of the equation — what’s the probability of our impending death.  Eliminating death by suicide, and making exceptions for anyone who happens to be suffering from something horrible, the equation would look like this

    0.1 * (1/1) = 0.1.

    Which means that society is not about to accept any of our suicides, which I guess is a good thing.

     
    • dyane 1:45 am on November 4, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      BRILLIANT post. Some of the points you brought up occurred to me too!!

      Like

  • followthecrumbsandpebbles 10:42 pm on November 1, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , ,   

    People Who Are Good For You; People Who Are Bad For You 

    Went to my MD on Thursday — my “regular” MD, not my psych.  I have been going to this MD my entire adult life.  I was, I guess, among the first of his patients when he started. Now he has a “closed practice” and being able to say you are one of his patients kind of raises the bar when you see a specialist.  He knows me well, medically.  That is to say, he knows of my mental condition and my attempt.  We also run in some overlapping circles .. .we’re not what anyone would call friends, but our children have at times been classmates; we belong to the same religious congregation; one of my friends worked for a time in his practice; I coached youth sports with (actually, against) one of his partners, etc.  I’m not sure I said this in the About Me section here, but I live in what would be considered a pretty large city, so this is not a case of a city where everyone knows everyone else.  This is all by way of background to the rest of this post.

    Still by way of background, I have a friend, actually one of the people mentioned a couple of posts ago, who has recently gone through a pretty bad divorce.  This friend happens to be friends with my MD, who has also gone through a pretty bad divorce.  Each of their wives was represented by the same attorney.  (I really don’t live in a small town, it’s pure coincidence.)  I did not know my MD and this other friends were friendly until somewhat recently.  My understanding is that they became closer when they had a common enemy.

    OK. now to the point of things.  While at the MD, I mentioned to him about the mutual friend.  The MD had a very interesting reaction, he said: that’s precisely the type of person you need to surround yourself with.  It’s what he said after that, which blew my mind.  He said, “the people in our circle, the people we both know and are generally surrounded by, they are poison.  They want to judge you when you are down, talk about you behind your back, make you feel left out, etc.”    And I said to him, yeah, I kind of fell bad, I’ve been spending less time at our religious congregation since my incident.  He said — don’t feel bad, you are protecting yourself …. whenever I go I basically find a quiet corner, etc.  (I guess I should add, I guess his ex-wife won the PR battle with respect to the divorce.)

    What is amazing about this exchange is that folks who are bright enough to be “at the top” of various professions or ladders for some reason end up surrounded by the people who are worst for them.  Either people sniping at you, people you have “beat out,” people who are waiting for you to fall in some sort of schadenfreude sense, people looking for something, etc.  And if you are not really “one of them,” those arrows are ready to fly.  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYupSHWEJxA.)

    While in college, I reached a position of leadership traditionally held by “popular” and “cool” people. I’m not saying that I’m a loser, but I’ve never been one to be considered popular or cool.  (You might ask “how.”  It’s like this.  If two people are seeking the position, and they are otherwise equal, the popular/cool one will win.  If the popular/cool one is a little bit less equal, that person still wins.  The “gap” between me and any of the popular/cool types was wide enough so as to make popular/cool irrelevant.  That is not a testament to how “good” I was; it’s a comment on how “bad” they were.)

    How does this relate to being surrounded by the wrong people for your psyche?  Right after I reached the position, I was at my weekly poker game with a number of other people who were not the kind you’d consider popular or cool.  One of them asked, “o all those people know you’re one of us, not one of them?”  I told him that I had no clue what they thought, but yeah, I probably wasn’t going to be invited to more parties than I already was.  So there were senior societies; you had to be invited to join, with lots of history to them.  And wouldn’t you know that I was the first person in my position in as long as anyone could remember who was not invited to join the “best” one.  So that’s the type of people you can surround yourself with.

    It’s no doubt that the BPD “enabled” me to fly pretty high and pretty successfully, and also played a part in the shame I felt during the lows over my errors and mistakes.  But I wonder if, surrounded by different people, in all sorts of places, I wouldn’t have tied myself up in knots.  I wonder how much I did it to myself by doing the things I “should” do simply because I “could” do them.  Our system says that if you do well in school, you are supposed to get the jobs that pay the most and require the most.

    I dunno.  Just food for thoughts.

    S

     
    • dyane 11:13 pm on November 1, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      This is an excellent post & very timely too. I just went through a situation with a longtime internet friend who was toxic for me – someone who was *very* wrong for my uber-sensitive psyche…..and I even knew that for a long time before I was able to take care of my best interests. I wrote about ceasing the friendship with “X” last week in case you’re interested – take care!

      http://proudlybipolar.wordpress.com/2014/10/27/how-friends-humor-saved-the-day/

      Like

    • followthecrumbsandpebbles 1:17 am on November 2, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Thanks for the comment! I did read your post and “liked” it (as well as liking it). I will poke around and read more.

      Liked by 1 person

      • dyane 1:34 am on November 2, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        Thank you so much for reading that post – it now has been a bit over a week since the whole mess happened, and I feel tons better. While unfortunately there are reminders of “X” ( we’re both involved in some of the same bipolar internet circles) I know that each day it will get easier to deal with those flashbacks.

        Just started following your blog and I look forward to reading your posts!

        take good care – have a nice rest of the weekend! 🙂
        Dyane

        Like

  • followthecrumbsandpebbles 9:25 pm on October 31, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , mania   

    Yay! Mania! (Just Kidding About The Yay! Part) (But Not The Mania Part.) 

    Up at 5 at work at 6 though I did make eggs, jalapenos, etc. in a tortilla first, and did walk the dog then while at work made two blog entries here and started another blog using my actual identity and relative to my profession and put up 9 blog posts and invited like 50 folks to follow the blog and tell their friends and also applied to like 5 jobs after going through 4 job boards and reviewing the websites of the companies which I had not heard of somewhere in there I made lunch and walked the dog again and then cleaned the kitchen which still had last night’s dishes piled up and spoke to someone I do business with and have an email dialogue with someone else and then my mother called and she was all concerned about some tests she is having done on monday so I called a doctor friend of mine and so he’s gonna call her because I’ve known him since childhood so he knows her too so that’s good then because it is the 31st I have to make sure the mortgage gets paid but the bank’s online system is down so I have to navigate the phone system which probably required pressing more buttons than there are letters in the blog and then I have to email something to someone but I need to scan it first but I haven’t reinstalled it since I replaced my harddrive and I forgot how I tweaked the driver to work with this computer because the manufacturer says it wont and then some of the folks who I invited to the other blog reached out and I communicated with them which was good because its always nice to hear from people and learn that they care and what I meant by make lunch was not putting 2 slices of turkey on bread but rather a pasta with a fresh vegetable sauce and also I forgot that Im still in my pajama pants and sweatshirt that I wore this morning at 5 when I walked the dog its just that I am getting so much done and I am so comfortable also I relaxed by playing some sporcle quizzes and also posted something I believe to be witty on facebook and also we are probably selling the piano so I had to run down what its value might be

    I wonder when I’ll go down again.  My relatively new psychiatrist has never seen me in mania mode and I’d like to get her viewpoint.

     
    • relaxdamit 11:18 pm on October 31, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      It seems that whenever I go to see the psychiatrist everything is fine….

      Liked by 1 person

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